Feminine 101

Mr. Right and I were visiting with another couple. I was speaking with the wife about the difference in needs and the revelation it had been in my thinking towards my husband. I shared about letting the hand-holding thing go. Mr. Right looked at me with shock and perhaps a measure of hurt. “I wish you had told me. I would hold your hand.” 

.

Now the men in the audience are nodding along, thinking c’mon throw the guy a bone. How’s he supposed to know if you never say? And the female audience knows exactly why not. Listen closely, gents: I want him to want to do it. Now don’t roll your eyes. In my mind and in the minds of billions of women worldwide, it needs to occur organically, otherwise it’s like asking for a compliment. 

Part of the reason letting the “hand holding affair” go was such a big step for me is because I had to think about it differently. See, in my mind, it represented a public declaration of his love toward me. Didn’t he want to show me that he loves me? If he doesn’t do it, does it mean that he doesn’t love me? Is there an imbalance in our affections? What if all my hair falls out? That one is for all the husbands out there reading this while their eyes go crossed. I’m sure to them, it’s just as relevant. I promise you that the women in your life know precisely what I mean. 

.

But they’re wrong. Here, I’ll show you:

.

Once upon a time, Mr. Right and I were snuggled up on the couch watching some cop show. Featured in that particular episode was an exorbitantly wealthy couple. They had flown into the city because the wife had wanted to go on a whim. The husband acknowledged the extravagance of the trip, but shrugged it off–he just wanted to give her what she wanted. Mr. Right suddenly blurted out, “That would be fun.” 

.

“What?” I asked. 

.

“Being able to spoil you like that.”

.

I’m not sure why I was so surprised. But I was. It was a bit of a revelation because it honestly never occurred to me that he would want to do extravagant, over-the-top things to express his love. It made me realize just how altogether different our thought processes can be. It puts my “hand holding affair” in perspective, though. Here he is wishing he could give me glamorous vacations and beautiful, expensive dresses and I just want him to hold my hand. If that does not epitomize the difference between the sexes, I don’t know what does.

.

This mini-epiphany has added insight into other aspects of our relationship as well. I, like many mothers, gained weight in my child-bearing years. Gone is the fabulous figure of our wedding day–one I did not know I had. I used to run, but my feet are not what they used to be and I never liked running, anyway. So Mr. Right and I were sharing some pillow talk on the subject. I told him how I like yoga poses since they make me more flexible. But I don’t think I’m going to run miles and miles again. He looked down at me and said, “Sounds like it’s gonna be liposuction and yoga for you.”

.

I laughed like crazy. The next day the subject of weight loss came up at work and I shared this story with my fellow team members. They laughed and one of them commented, “If my husband said something like that, I would just cry.” 

.

I understand the sentiment–truly I do. But my husband is not trying to hurt my feelings. Here is a man who would give me the world if he could. I know that the offer of liposuction, while a joke, is also him saying he’ll do anything to make me happy. There’s not a shred of nastiness or cruelty in it. Instead, the fact that he feels comfortable joking so freely is a credit to me because I don’t assume insult or injury. 

.

I feel it should go without saying, but as a disclaimer: don’t mistake this for a green light for husbands to verbally abuse your wives. Rather, in a typical marriage where it can be assumed that your husband loves you, lighten up. When did we learn to be so sensitive? And who taught us that stewing over it for all eternity would be anything other than destructive? This is where the lessons of the “hand holding affair” come full circle. 

.

Eventually, I had to make a decision: I needed to ask for it, or I needed to let it go. And, in hindsight, I should have asked for it. It was the sensible, if unnatural, thing to do. While, for me, it might be like asking for a compliment, for him, it’s like asking him to pass the salt. He’s running the numbers on ways to snatch the stars from the sky to deliver to me on a silver platter. Imagine his relief learning just how little it takes to make me happy. She wants to hold hands? That’s it? I can do that. I already have those!

.

But seriously, he now makes a point of holding my hand, of putting his arm around my shoulder and I no longer shy away from asking for it. Every time his arm slips around my shoulders in a public place, every time his hand touches the small of my back to escort me somewhere, I am reminded that he’s consciously putting in effort to make me feel loved in a language he knows I speak fluently. I’m no longer swallowing disappointment in him not being all that I dreamed he would. Simply by letting it slip how much his public displays of affection mattered to me, we have entirely resolved an issue.  And it is not cheapened by the fact that I had to ask for it. If anything, it’s all the more precious because of how deliberate he is.

.

But what if he says something that cuts a little too deeply? Then say so. I would start with an earnest tone, “I was kind of hurt when you said that thing the other night. I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.” I would not say it with attitude, or in anger. Your tears are more disarming than your outside voice will ever be. I’m not talking about manipulation in the sense that you are twisting him to your own ends, but effectiveness in communication. Are you trying to get one up on him or to make peace? I can feel all the ladies slowly backing away, but I promise you your husbands are thinking yes! If she could just say what hurts her, then it would be so much easier to not do that. I cannot emphasize enough how much he is not wired like you are. The stuff that’s intuitive to you, is completely foreign to him. 

.

Are we so ridiculous that we really expect another human to know our mind? If we’re open with one another, that can become a reality. But what if you never just say it? He’s totally in the dark, taking hostile fire from you every time he steps out of a line he can’t even see. That’s not fair, or healthy. Can we just acknowledge that the “you know what you did” mantra has worn thin? It’s become a mask to hide our true motives of supplanting our husbands rather than helping them.

.

And there it is. The curse strikes again. 

.

Truly, repercussions of this hearken back to creating a sanctuary and a home. How can a man feel at ease, at peace, if he’s trying to navigate your sensitivities like a World War II minefield? At any given moment, they could blow up in his face. That’s not inviting. That’s not comforting. It’s insidious and we have to stop. Time to grow up and use our words. Remember, you’re on the same side and friendly fire is not helpful.

To continue this series, click here