Feminine 101

When Mr. Right and I got engaged, his mother helpfully informed him that she was worried I would become a nag and that he would become apathetic. Because we’re so darned open about everything, he came over to my house and shared this with me. After my initial, “????!” I determined then and there that I would not be a nag. And not just because I wanted to prove her wrong.

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I am well aware that some folks have it rough when it comes to their in-laws. That is not the case for me. I have been friends with Mr. Right’s mom for a long time. I had a high opinion of her anyway, but his great respect for her has only deepened my own. She’s been around a lot longer than I have, had a lifetime of experiences and insights that I am just beginning to grasp. And only a fool despises instruction. Beyond that, my mother-in-law loves me and “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” So, basically it would be preposterous to ignore her concerns. Yet another case where sense won over sensitivity. Can you imagine if I’d let this color our relationship? There have been periods she’s stayed with us for over a month at a time while we got our new business rolling. How miserable would I be if I held this against her? Especially if she was right and I didn’t take heed.

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No, I know her too well to not give pause at her apprehensions. Bearing that in mind, I decided to think long and hard about what not nagging looks like so I could actually put that into practice. First off, let’s define our terms. In general, nagging means you bring something up, a honey-do project or a grievance of some sort, more than twice. If you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, this means you. It’s not a good look. The biblical Proverb describes a contentious woman as “a constant dripping.” For me that always summons an image of someone on the receiving end of Chinese water torture. Yikes! That means that I need to take my worries, my control freak tendencies, and shut them down hard! Ask once, and shut up! 

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Now consider that, practically speaking, you just might be late. I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten my shoes and coat on, then sat on the couch waiting for him to decide to get ready to go. But I’d rather be late than be a mosquito buzzing around his ear, so I’ll wait and curb my aggravation. It’s not worth it and will likely prove counterproductive anyway. By now he knows that if I mention it’s time to go a second time, it must be late. 

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You cannot physically make your husband do anything. Unless you are a very rare exception, he’s stronger than you. I remember being shocked, as a pretty tough farmgirl, to learn just how easily he could overpower me (don’t worry, no tears were shed in that experiment). So get it through your head, that you can’t make him do anything. Outside of charm and manipulation, you really have no power over him that he doesn’t give you. 

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So what does this mean in the context of nagging? You may just end up doing the thing or hiring someone else to do the thing. Really, just chill. He’s likely not ignoring you just to spite you. It might be that he’s busy and tired. It might be that he’s not really sure how to accomplish what you’ve asked. Or it may be that he legitimately forgot. In any case, it’s not worth crossing the threshold to mothering him. As we discussed, your husband loves you. It says nothing about his commitment to your marriage that he hasn’t replaced the toilet handle, I promise. 

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Instead, let’s think about what nagging is really saying. I know I can’t count on you to take care of this so… Is that really the message we want to send? Nagging is inherently distrustful and impatient. It’s what you do to kids because they’re grossly irresponsible and lazy without training and discipline. Is that how you view your husband? As a child? Imagine how he feels being treated like one. On the flip side, trusting him sends a powerful message. The fact that you wait a month to address an issue tells him that you have such confidence you didn’t think it bore repeating until now. But since it did, then the onus is on him and he knows it. You’ve set your confidence in him and he’s let you down. A good man will be provoked to respond, to do better. There’s also a solid chance he’ll be annoyed at himself because he dropped the ball. 

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Another thing to keep in mind as you make the effort to nag less is that the things you do bring up carry more weight. For example, Mr. Right and I talked over how to address a certain situation in June. It required him to act and me to wait. By mid-September he still hadn’t acted. Of course, I noticed before that, but I purposely gave him time and took time so that I knew I wasn’t just being impatient. But by mid-September, I decided he’d probably forgotten. So I brought it up, “Do you have a plan for when you’re going to go talk to so-and-so?” Within a week, he’d done it. What did I learn? A couple of things. First off, take care in wording what you are going to say. I could have said, “Are you ever going to go talk to so-and-so?” But that would have likely provoked an argument. I don’t want an argument; I want him to act. I also learned that waiting that long to say anything meant that, when I did say something, it spoke volumes. So, speak less, but say more. 

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But what if you are in disagreement about something? It could be as simple a thing as how often you eat out. Or it could be a much bigger issue like how to discipline a child or how much to spend on a new car. I’m going to get controversial here, so prepare yourselves. Sometimes, you just have to trust his judgment, even if he turns out to be wrong. That’s scary, I know. But hopefully, you get a chance to practice this on something small. Here’s how you might say it, “I don’t fully understand your line of thought here, but I trust you.” Maybe you’ll end up paying the stupid tax, but he will remember that you trusted him when you didn’t agree. Now listen up because this is the key: You don’t bring it up again. Ever. 

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For example, when we were broke and never had any extra money, Mr. Right let me handle all the money. At $18,000 a year, there was never any extra, anyway, so as long as the bills were paid, it made no difference who paid them. But people make mistakes and mishandle things and I know there were circumstances like that in those days. To his everlasting credit, he never breathed a word about them. It certainly would have been easy enough. Maybe he’d get a bonus at work, and I would use it to buy some new shoes for the kids or even for myself. Then he’d want to spend it on something else, but it’s already gone. I don’t know how he did it, but he never blamed me for our being poor even though I was not earning an income. I have been endeavoring to respond with the same level of grace ever since. 

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Something else to keep in mind is the nature of nagging. It is a constant stream of negative criticism. Think about what that does to a person! Proverbs even goes so far as to say that a man is better off on the corner of his roof in a thunderstorm than in a house with a contentious woman. Far from the sanctuary of chapter three is the household where settled fights get rehashed and mistakes get dredged up to relive. We’re not talking about a place where a wife earnestly shares her insecurities with her beloved, but where she jealously guards them hurling accusations and a resounding vote of no confidence. We’re talking about a marriage bed, where she coldly turns to face the wall and scoots as far away from him as possible. This is a place where his mistakes are never forgotten and, in his own home, he must dress himself for battle. It’s not a place of rest, but a place of war and defeat.

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Because, even when you win, you lose.

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