Feminine 101

Honey catches more flies than vinegar.

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I cannot tell you how often that phrase rolls off my tongue in the process of rearing children. Every time I turn around, I’m explaining again that being sweet instead of demanding is far more effective in nearly every circumstance. Sternly telling your older brother to put down my pig is going to be far less compelling than, will you please stop pretending to punch my pig? It is just one more thing that does not come naturally. This kindness must be taught. But if I was going to teach them anything, I had to learn it myself. And what a tough lesson it was!

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The first iteration manifested shortly after we were married. It turns out my mother-in-law was spot on with her predictions about nagging. Despite my best efforts, I still managed to put my foot in it. But thank God Mr. Right believes in taking a direct approach. He brought it up to my face. “When you tell me what to do, it makes me want to not listen. Will you please just ask nicely?”

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I was floored. I know I’m a bossy person in theory, but I legitimately didn’t even notice that I was doing this. How could I not know that I was treating him like my personal assistant? “Of course, I can do that.” And I did start asking and not telling. So many times, I’d start with, “Hand me that…Will you please hand me that thing?”

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A year later, our youngest was learning to talk and we were trying to teach her to say “please” and “thank you.” Suddenly I was looking for opportunities to teach her to be polite. And I started noticing how we and the people around us are generally thankless and even rude to one another. How in the world were we supposed to teach our little girl to speak kindly to those around her when we can’t even manage to do so? I redoubled my efforts. For her sake, I was determined to do better and so was her dad. The approach paid off. She had to get a minor surgery done when she was about ten. When she came out of the anesthesia, the nurses offered her crackers and water to which she groggily responded, “Yes, please.”

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Several years later, I caught the tail end of a conversation between Mr. Right and a newly-married man on the topic of headship. He said something that I will always treasure, “If I’m going to lead, it’s not through brute force, but in strength and power.” Translation? I’m not going to browbeat my wife. If she’s going to trust me, to follow me, it’ll be because I’m worthy of it. There is real power in the practice of “show not tell.” It works on little kids and in marriage. Once again, it echoes the theme of focusing on what you can control. I can’t order him around. He can’t make me trust him. But he can be trustworthy. And I can be polite. 

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A decade after that first iteration, when I witnessed another wife–married much longer than I–ordering her husband about, I was appalled. She’d basically relegated him to a hired man, equipped to serve her and their children. It was genuinely hard to watch as she essentially bullied the poor man incessantly. He’d become a virtual shadow in his own home. Did she even realize? I know she loved him and he loved her. But I began to wonder at the strain this puts on a relationship. 

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Obviously a man has ownership of his actions, and he does not have to accept being ordered about so they had both created this particular circumstance. If I were to hazard a guess, I bet he balked at being bossed around at the beginning. But, because he loves his wife, he decided it wasn’t worth the fight. Twenty years later, he can almost ignore the indignity he feels every time she issues a new edict. 

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The problem with this is that the resentment is there. Even when they love one another dearly, the underlying antagonism throws a shadow on everything. But the fix is truly simple. Start saying “please” and “thank you.” 

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Saying “please” morphs a command into a request. Think about the people who give commands. They’re people in authority. They’re the ones who say, “jump.” Now think of the people to whom we make requests. Again, they’re authorities. They have autonomy. Saying “please” at the very least acknowledges a person’s autonomy, and at most sends the message that they are needed. Do you have any idea what it does for a man to know that he’s needed? If not, you’d best start using “please” and find out. It softens your interactions. It sweetens them.

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Having him perform some task for you is providing him an opportunity to meet your needs and not just perform another chore.

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Exercising gratitude is, likewise, a transformational experience. Resentment usually builds when someone feels like they are not seen or heard. Saying “thank you” is an acknowledgment. You can either boss them around thanklessly, or make a point of letting them know that you see what they do and appreciate it. In the same way that persistent antagonism incites a particular response, so consistent recognition of your spouse’s worth provokes reciprocity. It truly becomes a symbiotic partnership where you sink or swim together. Interestingly, when you practice gratitude, because it, too, is like a muscle that needs exercise, you start to actually realize just how fortunate you are in your spouse.

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We’ve often remarked that, in a good marriage, both parties believe they are the lucky one. I’m so thankful for his directness all those years ago. I have come to realize just how obnoxious I was being, how it was sabotaging our marriage, and that I really don’t deserve him. He probably thinks something equally schmaltzy about me. Though, by now it should have been clear to you that I’m the lucky one.

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