Feminine 101

You must recall that I have referred to a small view of love. For those who wonder, allow me to explain. Consider the last love story you watched or read, or the romantic comedies of yesteryear. There’s the inevitable “will they, won’t they” play where the attraction is realized, followed by a conflict of some sort (usually a lie–ugh! Seriously, virtually every romantic plotline would be utterly foiled by a solid dose of truth. Okay, rant over.), then a gooey make-up scene that warms the heart, and then they get married. The end! 

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But, in real life, the wedding is not the end. It’s the beginning. Western culture has done massive damage to love by equating it with romance, by equating marriage to a happy ending. Because, what happens when you get in a dozen fights in month one and you storm off to your room mad for the third time this week? Aren’t we supposed to be happy? I don’t feel happy. The perfect anticipations of happily-ever-after just around the bend of our wedding night are a far cry from sobbing into your pillow because he said something thoughtless that hurt your feelings. That disparity can cause someone to question whether they are really in love. Or what if, years down the road, you’re looking at his softened stomach, and your own body, undeniably altered by child-bearing, and you’re over it? What happens when the kids are needy and you don’t have time for him? Or you go to bed, and just don’t feel like sex…again. Or you just wish he’d take you on a date, but you’re home watching TV instead…again. Aren’t we supposed to be happy?

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Years ago, Mr. Right and I dabbled in becoming ranchers. Ranching is hard work, long hours, dust, and manure. Ranching is often thankless work. Ranching regularly results in a financial loss. But over and over, ranchers would defend their work saying, “It’s a lifestyle.” 

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I think marriage is much the same. Marriage is a lifestyle. Forsaking all others is hard. Girls, do you have any idea the effort it takes for him to not look at other women, the self-awareness and control it takes to avoid compromising situations? To love, honor, and obey is hard. It’s hard to trust his judgment when I’m convinced I know best. But, if I approach this with the mindset that quitting is simply not an option, it changes my view of things. When I’m sobbing in my pillow because he said something that hurt my feelings, I’m not wondering if I made a mistake because it doesn’t matter–I’m in it now. I’m just getting it out of my system so that maybe I can talk to him rationally, later. When the kids’ schedules are packed and we don’t have time right now, I know that it will not always be that way. When I don’t feel like sex, I do it anyway because it’s not like we’re going to regret it. When I want to go on a date, I say so because I know that him not taking the initiative does not mean that he doesn’t love me. And our bodies? I love him, and am intent on the way he changes as we get older. I love that body and the man who wears it. If I’m in this for life, a silly thing like a changing physique is not about to spoil it for me. Rather, I would be a fool not to expect that. 

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And that’s true for many of the things that wear on a marriage. In the scope of a lifetime loving and being loved, does that thing he said really matter? Sometimes it does, especially early on because that is a time of establishing boundaries. But often, the things we fight over, the shoes left by the couch again, the underwear on the floor, who was supposed to fill up the car, are forgivable offenses. Very few offenses are not forgivable, in fact. 

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I’ll never forget laying in bed one night when Mr. Right came right out and said, “‘Love covers a multitude of sins’ really sums up our relationship.”

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My initial reaction was, a multitude? Ouch. But I know him well enough to know he was presumably thinking about his flaws, which he would tell you in no uncertain terms, are many. And, if I’m completely honest, he’s got an awful lot to deal with when it comes to me. A multitude really doesn’t begin to cover it. 

I think of when we first met. It was not love at first sight. He thought I was one of those loud-mouthed, obnoxious women and I thought he was some kind of hippie-geek. Luckily for us, we live in a small town and our church was small. We had to run in the same circles. My brother and I invited him to hang out with us, since we were the same age. We sat down at a restaurant with a whole group of other people. Let’s just say that dinner conversation piqued my interest. During the course of the meal, he disagreed with me several times to my face. 

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By now, some of you may have noticed, but for those of us who don’t read between the lines, I’m a bit of a wrecking ball. I have a very forceful personality and can frequently be insensitive to the feelings of others. I have known since I was in junior high that I could not marry a “yes man.” Any man that I was going to be with had to have the balls to stand up to me or I would walk all over him. And, for once, young me was right. Consequently, Mr. Right’s contrariness turned my head. 

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When we first met, we immediately recognized flaws in each other. I am loud-mouthed and pushy. He was a total nerd and needed a haircut.  But closer examination revealed redeeming qualities, things I could love. As affection bloomed, it completely eclipsed and even evolved our perceptions of one another’s shortcomings. I could instantly appreciate his frankness and recognize its worth. And he, likewise, could feel the value of my natural cheeriness and lack of fear when it comes to getting my hands dirty. 

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With time, that initial interest has compounded in a massively successful way. He has reiterated the same sentiment to me: “…though far from perfect, you’re perfect for me.” There is no world in which I have no faults. And he is not a perfect man. You won’t find that apart from God. But, if I can love him enough, he doesn’t need to be. So that begs the question, how do I love like that?

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Love, for all its mystical nature, is really defined by action. A man who professes to love his wife, but cheats on her at every turn or pummels her with his fists is lying–his actions say he does not love her. But a man, who goes to work faithfully every day even when he despises his job, so they can afford her dream house is expressing love every time he heads out the door. It’s really very practical.

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Like we discussed before, gratitude is the first step. Make a point of acknowledging his strengths. It’s so easy to take someone for granted, especially when you’ve known them for a long time. When he’s gone every morning before you get up, it can be easy to forget that he remembers to kiss you. Every. Single  Time. When he always carries the laundry basket up and down the stairs, it’s easy to overlook. It’s easy to forget that I almost never fill the vehicles up with gas. It’s the literal act of counting your blessings where your spouse is concerned. And, when the fancy strikes you, tell him. It might sound like, “I had to fill up the car today and it was freezing. I love that you save me from doing that all the time,” or grab his arm around the bicep while he’s carrying that basket and let him know how much you appreciate his finer qualities. 

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Conversely, anytime your spouse errs in some way, it can be tempting to start listing every other transgression they’ve committed. Unlike listing their virtues, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how much you should not do this! Whatever you lend your energy to will be the thing that’s cultivated. While actively making yourself mindful of the good cultivates gratitude, so does willfully dredging up past wrongs propagate dissatisfaction. No, when he fails, apply the golden rule. Do not be quick to forget the last time you blew it or did something stupid that he graciously overlooked. Give grace because you need it, too. I have a hard time being mad at him for leaving his socks laying around when I remember how I was acting pretty waspish the other day and he only remarked blandly that I had snapped at him a few times. If he can give grace, so can I. 

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Be understanding and gracious. You are not the only one who has bad days. Sometimes he’s just grumpy. Rather than allowing that grumpiness to incense you, choose virtue. Maybe something is bothering him. Maybe he’s just tired. Who knows? You’ve been there. But it’s within your power to improve his day. Allow me to paint a couple of scenarios.

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Scenario one: He walks into the house, tired, shoulders slumped. He lets out a sigh and tosses the keys on the counter where you’re working. He murmurs a generic “hey” to you and walks off. Feeling slightly defensive, you call after him, “It’s good to see you, too!”

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Scenario two: He comes in, tired, shoulders slumped. He lets out a sigh and tosses the keys on the counter where you’re working. He murmurs a generic “hey” to you and walks off. You rinse your hands, dry them on the kitchen towel, and follow him up to your room. He’s perched on the edge of the bed, untying his shoes. You circle to the opposite side of the bed. Then you crawl across behind him sliding a hand across his shoulders, massaging the muscles as you go. 

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You don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a pHD to know which option both demonstrates and provokes affection. One is empathetic and compassionate. It overlooks the terseness of his words and actions. It shows that you’re paying attention, that you heard him, and you want to help. Without ever saying a word, you have offered a potent reminder that he is not alone and that you love him.

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It also showcases another way to nourish love. Do you have any idea how much power you carry in your fingertips? How much your touch can sooth him? I cannot labor the point enough that touching him is an open declaration of love and admiration as far as he’s concerned. You could not be clearer if you were singing it from a mountaintop. The significance of physical touch can’t be overstated. We’ll spend the next chapter discussing this in depth so do what you need to do to prepare for that. 

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Finally, one of the most important ways that you can love your spouse is to call them out when they’re wrong. Done right, this should be used sparingly. Remember, love covers a multitude of sins. Most of our failings we are aware of, and are not worth confronting. But sometimes, for his own good, something needs to be said. 

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Last summer I was talking with a family member about another individual that had gotten under both of our skins. Our conversation took a less-than-kind turn. Mr. Right did what I first fell in love with him for: he called me on it. He looked me in the eye from across the room and said in a tone that brooked no argument, “You need to stop.” I have rarely felt so ashamed. How often does the bible warn women specifically about gossiping? Yet there I was clucking away like an old hen. But, I have to underscore that this must be done out of a sense of your partner’s good, not yours. Find yourself a man who will not leave you to be less than you ought to be. Be the kind of woman who will not accept him being less than he can be. Whether it’s confronting faults or overlooking them, your response should be the same: love harder. 

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As I write this, I can hear Sean Connery’s voice saying, “I can’t love people in slices.” In the old movie, “First Knight,” Lancelot warns Arthur that he’s not worthy of love. But the noble king brings him in, explaining that he’s not going to pick and choose which parts of a man to love. Rather, he’ll take the good with the bad, and love the whole person. Even if that person hurts us, it’s a better way to live.

To continue this series, click here.