Feminine 101

“To love, honor, and comfort her…”

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Why do our marriage vows talk about comforting one another? Why that? Why comfort? Obviously we all know that tragedy will come and it’s nice to have a “built-in” shoulder to cry on, but is that all they’re talking about? I think not. No, I suspect there’s a lot more to it than that. 

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You see, before I ever met Mr. Right, I dated a man who was quite a few years older than I was. I remember going on dates with him and not being able to relax. I always felt silly, although he was polite and not at all mean. It didn’t matter if I was eating or playing pool or just riding in the car. I felt very self-conscious and I remember actually being a little shy. Obviously that relationship went nowhere and I’m glad.

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You will remember that my initial attraction to my husband started with his willingness to contradict me. I have always and will always admire his strength. He once described me as a bit of a tempest. When I want something or get a notion in my head, I, like a thunderstorm on the plains, just roll right across anyone in my path. To be my husband, is to always be in the path of the storm. But, if I’m a storm, he’s a boulder. I can beat at him and crash around him all I want because he is not going to move. I don’t have to tiptoe around him. I don’t have to tone myself down lest I destroy him or worse, annoy him. In short, I can just be me and he is not threatened by that. In fact, he gets a kick out of me. This is a fact which I have come to realize he has deliberately made a reality. He chooses to find it endearing and quirky rather than irritating and infuriating.

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I can truly cut loose and be myself. There is no pretending. Our marriage is like wearing soft pajamas all day long. From his perspective, he does not have to walk on eggshells around me lest he somehow offend my sensitivities. I’ll show you.

Mr. Right is a slender, very fit man. When he eats a big meal, his stomach sticks out like a little kid’s and it makes me smile. It’s very endearing. One night, I made this big dinner and he ate seconds. We got up from the table. I put my arms around his waist and said, “I love the way your tummy pooches out after a big meal.”

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To which he responded, “I love the way your tummy pooches out all the time.”

All of you ladies are reading this, mortified. All of the men are out there with warning bells going off like we’re a plane about to crash into a mountain. I threw my head back and belly-laughed and, yes, it did pooch out. Let’s not forget I started it, remember? Do you have any idea how cool it is that he can just use his snarky, clever sense of humor on me and have no fear that I’ll get all mad and go off in a huff? That is true comfort. He’s a blunt individual. He’s got to mind his words so carefully in every other interaction of his life! I’m privileged that I can be the one place where he can speak his mind without fear of offending anyone. Talk about something worth coming home to! 

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Now, can you have a happy marriage without comfort? Certainly. With hard work and honest effort, of course. But you will always be happy in a marriage where you are comfortable together. As pivotal as the notion has become, I’m astonished no one ever told me. That seems like a massive oversight. Don’t our girls need to know that being with a man who makes her feel at ease is important? Shouldn’t we warn them to trust that nagging instinct that sets her on edge or makes her feel awkward around a certain man?

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The longer I live, the more I’m convinced of its import. Comfortable is likely not the specific comfort referenced in our wedding vows. However, it naturally translates to that comfort. If you are cozy in the presence of your spouse, you will instinctively and habitually share burdens. In fact, when struggles and tragedy do strike, and real comfort is called for, there is no impulse to hold back. Your world can be crumbling, but a solid marriage bound to someone with whom you find peace can provide a pocket of solitude despite great suffering and turmoil.

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We had our vehicle break down in the “famine years”. It was a $700 unexpected expense which was a massive problem in those days. I worried and stewed over it all day until Mr. Right came home. What were we going to do? When he arrived at home, I told him the bad news. And the results were immediate: I could practically feel the burden lifting as he took on part of the load. My fears were lessened and I had hope for what could be done. The problem had not magically disappeared, but I was no longer facing it alone. 

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The Psalmist talks about it. In the midst of the “valley of the shadow of death,” the LORD’s rod and staff bring comfort. Then it talks about sitting down to eat, even with enemies all around. In the midst of attack and misery on all sides, the cup overflows. When Jesus looked on the people bringing their sick and needy before him he felt compassion for them saying that they were like sheep without a shepherd. If the shepherd meant to him what Psalm 23 says of Him, it’s clear these people’s suffering could be soothed by the steady presence of One who makes them lie down in green pastures. Now, obviously, this is talking about trusting the LORD, but I can’t help recognizing the parallel. Not only does it ease our misery, but it creates a peace that is undisturbed by anything the world hurls our way. Moreover, it brings about contentment beyond what we think we need. And goodness. I think back to that night when I lay “ugly-crying,” body wracked with sobs over the broken relationships with my siblings. And my husband, powerless to mend it, simply held me. Despite the staggering pain of losing best friends, in that bed, in the shadows of the night, I did not have to hide or suffer alone. Maybe the circumstance was all my fault, maybe I’ll never know. Maybe I will always hurt. But I am not alone. I have a lifelong friend. I know he’s not going to think I’m weak or silly or roll his eyes thinking this again? Instead, he’s going to feel that heartache with me and soothe the pain as best he can. And that is good. It’s a thing of abundance, of riches and wealth. My cup, indeed, overflows.

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