Feminine 101

The internet is rife with bad advice. I figured that the wisdom of Solomon has aged well enough. It just might do someone some good. I invite you to comment your own questions or link bad advice you’ve seen lately. Perhaps the ancient proverbs have something to say about it. Images are generated by AI.

Why is it that I can never please him? 

Why is it that nothing I do is ever good enough? 

How do I please my father?

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It is a question that has plagued countless sons and daughters over the years. I know grandparents still haunted by the feeling that they were never good enough for their dad. Generation after generation has wrestled with feeling totally inadequate and the practiced eye can usually see that it started with their father. 

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You’ve seen it in your own family. Maybe your mother still talks about how, “I was never good enough.” She might talk about specific instances where something that should have been special for her was turned into a crushing experience because he got angry or made an off-handed comment. 

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Maybe you see it now in the way your own child interacts with his dad. You know his dad is proud of him. But you also know your son can’t see it. Even when praise is offered out loud, the boy doesn’t seem to hear. But every correction? Every critique? He’s got those carefully cataloged in his mind. They scream at him. They constantly ask him why he can’t do anything right? And you wonder if your mom’s dad had the same struggles. It’s probable you’ve even overheard the father complimenting the child. Perhaps you’ve heard your uncles tell how their dad used to brag about your mom.  

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My own husband is sparing with his praise. He is not flippant with his words or his encouragement. When he gives it, he means it. So, when he compliments me in some way, I treasure that. I have also learned that, while he doesn’t often give compliments directly to a person, he will regularly brag about them to others. On more than one occasion, I’ve overheard him bragging about me to someone else. It’s very possible, even likely, this is happening regarding the one who is “never good enough.” 

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So why the disconnect? 

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What can you do, when you never feel like you’re good enough? Because you can’t go on this way. In fact, many don’t. In a culture where it is increasingly common, even encouraged to cut off “toxic” people from your life, many people simply walk away. Unfortunately, this severance of ties is never as complete as one might wish. Because, as with all emotional baggage, the most effective way to ensure it carries the greatest weight is to leave it unresolved. 

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I’ve heard people in their fifties, sixties, and seventies lament how nothing they ever did was right and their dad was never proud of them. If he’s been dead and gone for twenty years and you haven’t lived with him for fifty, is it still his fault?

So, how do you please him? As per our usual arrangement, the wise king of old has something to say on the issue. To his own son, he said:

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“My son, if your heart is wise,

My own heart will be glad.”

-Proverbs 23:15

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I have several thoughts on this. First off, the obvious. If you want to make dad happy, don’t be an idiot. Don’t be a fool. Don’t do stupid. Because “stupid is as stupid does.” You want your old man to be proud? Be wise. Even a lousy, petulant, derelict father will be proud of a wise son or daughter. If you are wise, I promise he’s happy. Which leads to the second thought. 

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Notice it says his “heart will be glad.” Now notice what it does not say. It does not say “my face will be glad.” Sometimes dads have a poker face. They are not the easiest to read. And, often, with good reason. Solomon lends insight even to this:

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“‘I, wisdom, dwell with prudence,

And I find knowledge and discretion.’”

-Proverbs 8:12

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Often, the older a person gets, the more guarded they become in the things they say. That is discretion. And no doubt a lack of it got them into trouble at some point. So they learn. Don’t rush to say something you might regret. While your dad’s face might not say much, and he may not be gushing over your accomplishments, that does not mean that his heart is not glad. As the proverb said, if your heart is wise, mine is glad. It’s a fact. It’s so true, Solomon says it again a few verses later:

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“The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice,

And he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.”

-Proverbs 23:24

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Often with Proverbs, there is an unspoken truth that mirrors the given one. It’s not always a hard and fast rule, but it sometimes provides an important, if painful metric. Let me say the unspoken truth. “If your father is not glad in you, you are a fool.” Before we all go off the deep end at this insult, I refer you to the previous point. It’s easy to assume that dad’s not proud of you when he doesn’t come out and say it. But, if you’ve been wise, and succeeded because of it, it’s safe to assume he is. Only the pathological wouldn’t be.

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But, if you feel like you’re never good enough, a little introspection is in order. Are you behaving as a fool? What does that look like? Solomon gives some metrics for that, too:

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“The soul of the lazy one craves and gets nothing…” -Proverbs 13:4

“There are six things the LORD hates…Haughty eyes, a lying tongue–” -Proverbs 6:16-17

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Among others, Solomon regularly dubs the lazy, the arrogant, and the dishonest as fools. So, if you feel like dad’s never happy with you, is it because you are a fool? Is it because you’re lazy? If so, get to work. Are you arrogant? Then humble yourself and quit bragging.

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“Like clouds and wind without rain

Is a person who boasts of his gifts falsely.”
-Proverbs 25:14

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Overselling yourself makes you like a storm cloud that blows over the parched land and leaves no rain. A disappointment. Instead let that hard work you’ve been practicing do the bragging for you. 

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As far as lying? It leads to your own destruction. Be honest. Walk with integrity. No father in his right mind would be ashamed of an honest son. But if you are a liar, that’s a problem and it makes you foolish. So tell the truth even when it costs you.

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In conclusion, Solomon said it best:

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“The beginning of wisdom is: get wisdom!

With all your possession, get understanding.”
-Proverbs 4:7