Feminine 101

The internet is rife with bad advice. I figured that the wisdom of Solomon has aged well enough. It just might do someone some good. I invite you to comment your own questions or link bad advice you’ve seen lately. Perhaps the ancient proverbs have something to say about it. Images are generated by AI.

Much has been said of red flags lately. Much. Some of them are valid. Some of them…reflect the crazy for which women often get criticized. I recently heard a woman say that men who say, “I don’t know,” too often are unfulfilling because it speaks to lack of clarity in him. Maybe that’s true. But it seems very small. 

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I’ve heard women claim that men must earn a certain salary to be in consideration for them. Again, I get it. Women crave security and financial security is no exception. But a man who makes $40k a year can be far more financially stable than a man who makes five times that. 

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Other “gems” include never posting any pictures of you, never making plans, supporting Trump, texting too slowly, trashing his exes, or still being friends with his exes. 

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My husband doesn’t have social media. So, in our twenty years together, he’s posted exactly zero photos of me. Ever. I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has made plans. And the only ones that mattered were the ones he made the night he proposed. Besides, I’m good at planning. As for supporting politicians? Well, people come and go. Values matter. 

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I really think that the reason women get so specific in their “red flags” is that they instinctively know certain behaviors point to other more pervasive problems. I know that, as a kid, I was advised to write down my list of must-haves for my future husband. I know girls who did. They painted very distinct pictures of what he must look like, how he must behave, and what qualities that he would be required to embody. 

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I remember feeling wholly out of my depth for such an undertaking. I wish someone had just told me what mattered most in a man. So, as a much older, wiser woman, I’m going to tell you. And don’t worry. This solid gold wisdom has been relevant for millennia. What does good King Solomon have to say?

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“What is desirable in a man is kindness,

And it is better to be a poor man than a liar.”

-Proverbs 19:22

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Desirable is the word used. Kindness is the word. Not nice. And there is a marked difference. Kind people are generous and self-sacrificing. A kind man lets his actions do the talking. Niceness is just that: talk. It goes along to get along. Kindness speaks of action, and reality. It is an interesting and logical kindred to the companion line: “it is better to be a poor man than a liar.”

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The suggestion here is not that the wealthy are liars. Far from it, Solomon elsewhere intones:

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“Wealth obtained from nothing dwindles

But one who gathers by labor increases it.” – Proverbs 13:11

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And: 

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“Great wealth is in the house of the righteous…” -Proverbs 15:6

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Rather, Solomon makes the case that a man who refuses to compromise for financial gain is desirable. You want that more than a six figure salary. You want a man who cares about the truth. You want a man who cares about the truth more than his pocketbook. That means that he may not be wealthy. It means that he may have nothing to his name. But if his name is marked by integrity and kindness, then he’s a winner. Why?

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Integrity and kindness are rising tides. They lift all ships. When we were first married, our net worth was whatever our sad little car was worth. But I married a man for whom the truth matters and who treated me with far more kindness than I deserve. His honesty, his hard work, and his treatment of those around us have made for a very happy wife. They have raised kind children who understand the importance of striving towards honesty. They have guided our treatment of our employees. They have reassured those who would invest in us. They have provided opportunities for the people around us. They have yielded unimaginable increases in every aspect of our life. Solomon agrees:

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“A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children,

And the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.”

-Proverbs 13:22

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Even the wealth of the wicked dwindles to nothing and eventually finds its way to the righteous. Kindness and integrity–the clearest evidence of a good man–pay dividends for literal generations. 

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So to the man who doesn’t know, is that signaling a lack of clarity in what he wants? Or in what is right?

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To the man who still talks to his exes: Is he kind or is he nice?

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To the man who never posts pictures of you: is he protecting you or is he ashamed? One of those is kind. The other is dishonest. 

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To the man who never makes plans: is he being lazy or cruel? Or is he just trusting you because you’re better at it? 

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See, kindness and integrity, or honesty are non-negotiables. The rest are just preferences. There are idiosyncrasies you can learn to love. And there are character flaws that you can’t.