The internet is rife with bad advice. I figured that the wisdom of Solomon has aged well enough. It just might do someone some good. I invite you to comment your own questions or link bad advice you’ve seen lately. Perhaps the ancient proverbs have something to say about it. Images are generated by AI.
Toxic = Unforgiveness
Oh this is going to make people mad. But I’m going to share it anyway.
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Toxic. We’ve all heard that word. It’s almost like the Brittany Spears’ song gave it a giant shove into everyday vocabularies around the world. Suddenly, it became a label tossed around to describe people with whom we struggled. Some people would use it with abandon. Others got the label.
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I mostly ignored it. Calling a person “toxic” seemed kind of mean. The word always evoked an image of a festering, glowing, radioactive swamp that’s simply too dangerous, too odious to be around. I suppose that’s the idea. Some people are simply too dangerous, too odious to be around. I wrongly assumed that such labels ought only be reserved for the truly evil–the Dahmers, Mansons, and Gosnells of the world. After all, they really were dangerous. It wasn’t until someone labeled me as toxic, labeled people I know as toxic, that I really began to understand what it meant. I was no serial killer or pedophile or ghoulish monster waiting to gobble down children and puppies.
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Oddly, it wasn’t until I got called “toxic” that I realized it for what it was:
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Unforgiveness.
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Yeah. Talk about a thing that festers and stinks. But at its heart, labeling someone as “toxic” is how you justify your continued anger at those who have wronged you. “Toxic” is a cloak for anger, a shelter so your anger can be protected from such pesky things as forgiveness and healing.
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Solomon has much to say about anger. I am going to make an important distinction between being hot-tempered and unforgiving. This is all about the latter. Solomon says a great deal about both, but for the present, we will focus on unforgiveness. So, what, exactly does he say?
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“For the churning of milk produces butter,
The pressing of the nose produces blood,
And the churning of anger produces strife.”
-Proverbs 30:33
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If you whip milk, you will get butter. If you “press” the nose, you will get blood. And if you insist on churning your anger, it will cause problems. This is one of those proverbs with an implied inverse: if you want to avoid problems and strife, don’t churn your anger.
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So what does that look like? What does it mean to churn anger? It means to stir it up. Anything that you do that gets you all hot and bothered about that thing so-and-so did to offend you is stirring the pot. Gossiping about it? Yeah. The more you recount your tale of woe, the more eager you are to relive it with anyone who will listen, the more you stir the pot. Solomon says so:
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“A fool’s anger is known at once,
But a prudent person conceals dishonor.”
–Proverbs 12:15
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Concealing a dishonor does not mean that you never ever talk about it. But the circle who knows a grave offense should be very, very small.
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“A perverse person spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates close friends.”
–Proverbs 16:28
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There’s that “strife” again. Not shockingly, gossip is close at hand. Also, no surprise to anyone: gossip destroys relationships. And the people who delight in it? Solomon labels them “perverse.”
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So what else churns anger? Ever had a conversation in your head where you give your offender a piece of your mind? I have. Many, many times. I have been hurt and offended by people. And I have been very careful with whom and how I share anything. But in my mind, I have crafted seething rebukes, and dressings down. And it’s like stroking a viper. At some point, it will turn around and bite you. Anyone who has ever handed out the afore-mentioned dressing down can tell you that it did not have the desired effect. So what purpose does it serve to relive the offense whether out loud or in your mind? It only produces strife. It only makes you miserable.
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Don’t do it. Don’t replay it all over and over. Don’t imagine what you would say if you had the chance. Don’t go blabbing it to all your friends. Be very careful how you talk, how you think, about it at all.
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“A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger,
And it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
-Proverbs 19:11
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It is your glory to overlook an offense. It is your glory to let it go. You are actively overcoming evil with good. Solomon says so:
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“Hatred stirs up strife,
But love covers all offenses.”
-Proverbs 10:12
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“One who conceals an offense seeks love…”
-Proverbs 17:9
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Ultimately, love and compassion win the day. While anger churned is nothing more than hatred that breaks and poisons you and those around you, love heals. Love restores. Love allows for the weakness of others. Love brings peace and tender heartache. Love does not harden as anger does. Love remains a soft target. Rather than hardening in defense, love allows the pain you feel to hurt. But that is where healing happens. With healing comes peace. And with peace comes joy and hope.
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Or you can swim in the swamp.
Feminine 101 