Feminine 101

I hear the shouts of the frenzied crowd.

Distant they seem yet I know they are loud.

Why, I wonder, should I think of that day now?

The first time that glory called and how

He said He would make us fishers of men.

I saw a chance at something more even then.

I thought maybe my future held more than nets,

More than fish and boats and a thousand regrets.

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The crowd today is not cheering, I think.

Swollen eyes resist futile efforts to blink.

The cadence of their mocking jeers, 

Recalls a sound I hadn’t heard in years.

Like the scream of the wind or swelling waves, 

Dread claws, it creeps, I plead Him who saves.

When He came striding on the rolling swell, 

I longed for power and a great story to tell. 

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But as always I cared too much for the world.

The storm all around saw my faith unfurled.

How many times did I fail my Lord?

When He saw the slave’s ear restored?

I cosplayed the hero with bravado unearned,

I refused to see Truth where He was concerned.

But just like on the water, He lifted me up,

Shielded my soul from that teeming cup.

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Filled was it, with a wrath I richly deserved.

I knew Him the Christ based on all I’d observed.

I had no doubts that He was the Son of God,

I named Him as such at His inquisitive prod.

One moment, I’m speaking God’s declaration,

The next I’m mouthing Satan’s temptation.

I know in my heart why I didn’t want Him to die.

I knew without Him I could kiss glory goodbye.

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And it was true even after He came back.

Reeling from my failings, I sought the old fallback.

I decided I was going out fishing because,

I knew myself, at last, for the fraud that I was.

But there He was on that distant shore,

Calling us to glory, to be something more.

It wasn’t the last time I ended up all wet.

Desperate was I and filled with regret.

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Still I tried to act strong at His query,

True to form, He did far more than hear me.

My denial filled me with shame to the brim

I was undone because I really did love Him.

Called again to follow, led by nail-pierced hands,

Oh, fisher of men, feed My lambs.

And so I have done these many years.

I’ve declared Him to deaf and listening ears.

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Agony courses through my outstretched hands,

Yet victory is mine now even in foreign lands.

By mercy I endure, in weakness made strong.

I know my reason fails, but I swear I hear a song

Drawn from the sea, He set my soul alight

Taught me to fish and gave my eyes sight.

Soon, soon, no more stumbling, no more falling.

I can’t catch my breath and, again, I hear glory calling.